Smokers Wild
by themaninthecouch
Summary: THIS STORY IS IN GREENTEXT FORMAT. Lincoln witnesses one of his sisters smoking late at night, but is unable to clearly see which one. Joining forces with Lynn, he's determined to expose the smoker. But not all is as it seems.


Lincoln read his comics by lamplight in his room

He was the last one awake on a saturday night

On cool night's like this he always kept his window open

That's when he smelled it

It was familiar, but not instantly recognizable

He set his comic down

He sniffed the air

"Where have I smelled that before..."

It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't unbearable either

He looked to his open window

'It's gotta be coming from outside' he thought

In nothing but his socks and underwear, he climbed up on his desk.

he raised himself on his toes and barely managed to peer out the window

Below his window was a shadowy figure!

He squinted in the darkness

It was one of his sisters!

It had to be!

But in the darkness, he couldn't tell which one

Even more alarming than a sister sneaking outside late a night, was what this alleged sister held in her hand.

A lit cigarrette!

She raised it to her lips and inhaled

The cherry on the end of the cig glowed brightly, before fading.

She exhaled slowly, letting the smoke curl and twist its way into the sky

right past Lincoln's window

that was the smell from earlier!

Lincoln tried to raise himself a little higher

The slick fabric of his socks slid out from under him, sending him crashing into his desk

Then there was darkness

He woke up on the couch in the living room, an ice pack on his head.

"Wha... what happened?"

"We were hoping you could tell us," Lori replied

"Yeah bro, why were you standing on your desk at midnight?" Luna chimed in.

His memory came crashing back to him.

"Why? I'll tell you why"

He sat up on the couch, addressing all his gathered sisters at once.

"I saw someone in this house outside SMOKING last night!"

They gasped.

"You must have hit your head pretty hard, bro." Luna laughed.

He squinted at her

"Really? and what were YOU doing last night around twelve thirty?"

"Hey! Don't look at me, smoking is gross!" Luna replied defensively

"Yeah, how do you know you weren't just sleepwalking and dreamed up the whole situation?" Lori added.

Lincoln sat quietly.

He knew what he saw

But questioning the group was going to get him nowhere.

He had to gather evidence on each sister individually if he wanted to solve the case.

"I know what I saw, and I know what I smelled. Someone in this house is smoking, and I'm going to find out who."

His older sisters rolled their eyes and left, but Lynn stayed behind.

"You really think someones been smoking?" Lynn asked.

"yeah, I saw them last night! It had to be either Luna Leni or Lori."

she rolled her eyes.

"Does Leni even know how to work a lighter?"

Lincoln narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Lynn.

"Do you?"

She punched him in the arm

"Are you serious? Do you know what smokes can do to an athlete's body?" she snapped angrily.

"Okay, okay! I just wanted to cover all my bases." he replied, rubbing his arm.

"So, are you gonna help me finger the perp?"

Lynn stared at him.

"Phrasing."

she shrugged "Yeah, I got nothin better to do. Besides, Lucy got to do it last time."

"Sweet, work lets get to!" Lincoln said, rising from the couch

Lynn put a hand on his chest, sitting him back down.

"Maybe we should start on the couch for now. Head injuries are not joke, bro."

"Idea good."

Lynn and Lincoln sat on the couch with their list of suspects.

"Okay, so far we have Lori, Leni, and Luna" Lincoln read of his paper.

"What about Luan?" Lynn asked.

"Hmm... the sister I saw was tall, but I guess we shouldn't rule her out."

Lynn threw her football up into the air and caught it, occupying herself while Lincoln finished his list.

"Okay, so where do we start?" she asked.

"Well, I can't see Luan smoking unless it was part of some new bit or something..."

"But doesn't she also record herself sleeping or something?" Lynn asked.

Lincoln snapped his fingers.

"That's right, she does! Great thinking, Lynn"

Lynn smiled, a light blush coming over her cheeks.

"See? I'm good at sports and thoughts!"

Lincoln and Lynn headed upstairs to find Luan.

She was practicing her routine with mr. coconuts.

"Hey guys, still looking for the SMOKING gun?"

Lynn grabbed Luan's shirt and pulled her nose to nose.

"Where's the tape?! We know you have it! Who are you protecting? Who are you working for?!"

"Whoa, dial it back, Serpico!" Lincoln said, pulling her off his sister.

"Anyway, Luan, we need your sleep recording from last night." Lincoln asked.

"Sure Lincoln, I'll help you SMOKE out the smoker! haha, get it?"

Lynn looked desperately at her brother.

"Please... just get the tapes and lets go... theres a reason I chose to live with Lucy over Luan!" she whispered.

"It was a pretty weak night for me." Luan admitted, handing over the tape.

"Thanks, we'll have it back in no time."

Lincoln and Lynn headed downstairs.

He put the tape in the vcr and pressed play.

"What do you call a sober irishman? A miracle!"

Lynn turned to Lincoln.

"Tell me we aren't about to sit through eight hours of this."

Lincoln smiled.

"No, we just need between midnight and twelve thirty."

"Thank god," Lynn said flopping back on the couch.

Lincoln fast forwarded to the appropriate time and hit play.

They watched silently as Luan slept.

At around 12:20, the bed began to shake.

Lynn and Lincoln sat up on the couch

An unmistakable purple shirt passed in front of the camera.

Lynn and Lincoln looked at each other knowingly before focusing back on the tv

"C'mon, where is it?" a raspy voice whispered as rummaging could be heard off camera.

"Ah, found it."

Luna's torso passed back in front of the camera, where Lincoln managed to pause it.

Gripped between fingers with purple nail polish was a lighter.

"Luna?" Lincoln asked himself.

"We got her!" Lynn said excitedly.

"Let's go nail her!"

Lincoln turned to Lynn, one eyebrow raised.

"Phrasing"

"But," Lincoln said, "we are going to confront her about the last thing she wrapped her lips around."

Lynn stared at him.

"PHRASING."

They both laughed and headed to the garage hoping to find Luna.

They could hear her guitar riffs from outside as Lincoln opened the garage door.

"Luna!"

She kept on rocking, unable to hear him.

Lincoln took a deep breath, preparing to shout

Lynn unplugged the power strip from the wall

"LUNA!" Lincoln shouted next to her

"WHAT?" she yelled back

"Oh, uh, sorry about that. Anyway, we need to talk to you about—"

"We know it was you! You're the filthy smoker, we've got video evidence, Mom and Dad are gonna FRY you for this!" Lynn shouted, jumping on Luna, holding herself up with Luna's tattered shirt collar.

Luna simply picked Lynn up, and dropped her on her but.

She might have been an athlete, but she was still only 13

"I told you already, I don't smoke! How can I create such rad music if I'm hurting my golden pipes with smoke?"

"Then can you tell us what you were doing out of bed, with a lighter at approximately 1220 last night?"

Luna began to sweat.

"Uh, what are you talking about?"

Lincoln held up the video tape.

"We saw everything." Lynn added, arms folded.

Luna sighed, taking her guitar off her shoulders.

"Fine, you want to know what I was doing?"

"Duh," Lynn replied.

"Follow me,"

Luna led them back inside and up the stairs.

They followed her to hers and Luan's bedroom.

"If I get word that you told anyone about this, I will re-string my guitar with your intestines." she growled.

Lincoln and Lynn swallowed nervously, and nodded.

Luna opened her closet and pushed her clothes to one side.

She removed a false panel inside the closet to reveal a Mic Swagger shrine, with candles

Lynn and Lincoln, though both thoroughly creeped out, felt satisfied enough to cross Luna's name off their list.

They headed back downstairs and flopped down on the couch.

Lincoln produced his list of names and crossed off Luan and Luna.

"Well, that's two down..."

Lynn resumed throwing her football in the air while she thought.

"So what, we've only got Lori and Leni left, right?"

Lincoln nodded.

"They might be a little tougher to crack, they tend to stick together."

Lynn caught her football and rubbed her chin.

"Hmm... I got it!"

Lincoln looked at his sister.

"Got what?"

Lynn smiled.

"All we need is a lighter, matches and a scented candle."

After they'd gathered the required items, Lynn called Leni downstairs.

"Hi Lynn and Lincoln! What's going on?"

Leni asked, coming down the stairs

"It stinks in here, and Lincoln and I wanted to light this scented candle, but we're not supposed to play with fire." Lynn said sadly.

She slumped her shoulders and hung her head, Lincoln quickly following suit.

"Unless..." Lynn perked up

"Could you light it for us?" she asked, looking hopefully at her big sister

Leni smiled

"Sure I can!"

Leni walked to the coffee table and picked up the candle.

"ohh, lavender breeze! This'll smell great! I wonder how they know what a lavender breeze smells like..."

"Here you go, Leni, use this." Lynn said, handing her a safety lighter.

Leni put her thumb over the flint wheel and clicked.

Nothing but sparks

She tried again

Same results.

This went on for a few minutes before Lynn offered another solution.

"Here Leni, try these."

Lynn gave her a box of strike-anywhere matches.

"Thanks Lynn!"

She took the first match and attempted to strike it against the box.

It snapped in half.

She repeated this for another few minutes before she was out of matches.

"Don't worry guys, I'll get this working, I promise!"

Leni said, leaving the room with the candle and still trying to spark the lighter.

"Think that's good enough to rule out Leni?" Lynn asked.

"I think that's fair to say." Lincoln replied, crossing out her name.

Lynn grinned

"Well, are we gonna bust her in private or do you want to wait until the whole family is around?"

Lincoln paused.

Now, hold on a second, Lynn. Just because she'd last on the list doesn't necessarily mean she's the smoker."

"What?! Are you kidding me? Who else but her could it be? We've already confirmed Luna's creepy obsession with that 80 year old washed up rock star, the fact that Leni couldn't start a fire wearing flint shoes on a steel floor in a room soaked in gasoline, and now you're gonna tell me it's not Lori?!"

Lincoln blinked.

Lynn had clearly put some thought into this.

"All I'm saying is, we need to get her side of the story. She at least deserves a chance to defend herself."

Lynn folded her arms and huffed.

"Fine..."

They climbed the stairs to Lori's room, and found her on her bed texting.

"What do you nerds want?"

"Nerds?! Why you little—"

Lincoln covered Lynn's mouth before she could finish.

Say what he would about Lynn, she certainly had the whole 'bad cop' role down to a science.

"We're here because we want to know what you were doing around 1230 last night."

Lori rolled her eyes, still texting as she spoke

"Are you still on that whole mystery smoker thing? give it a rest, Lincoln."

Lynn managed to wrestle Lincoln's hand away from her mouth

"Exactly what a smoker would say!"

Lori's lips curled into a snarl

"I don't have to prove anything to either of you!"

Lori got up off her bed and grabbed them both by the back of the shirt.

She tossed them out the door and onto their butts in the hallway.

"If you must know, I was texting Bobby from 1000 to midnight."

With that, she slammed the door.

Lincoln sighed.

Every sister seemed to have an alibi.

"Well, what do we do now?" Lynn asked

Lincoln had to stop and think.

All of his leads were dead ends, and he was no closer to solving the case.

'What would Ace Savvy do?' he thought

"I got it!" Lincoln said

"Got what?"

"I know how we're gonna solve this case!"

Lynn helped him up off the ground.

"How?" she asked.

Lincoln's eyes narrowed.

"A stakeout."

"A-a stakeout?" Lynn parroted.

"That's right. We'll hide out near the scene of the crime, and wait for the criminal to return!" Lincoln said excitedly.

"It''l be fun!" he added.

"Right, I'll go get my sleeping bag!" Lynn said, heading to her room as Lincoln headed to his.

The day soon turned to dusk as Lincoln met Lynn outside the house beneath Lincoln's bedroom window.

they set their sleeping bags up in some bushes with binoculars they borrowed from Lisa.

"So, I thought we figured out that none of our sisters could have been the smoker." Lynn whispered as they hid in the bushes in the dark.

"We did, but none of their alibis are airtight. Lori could text and smoke, she texts and drives all the time. Luna could have just used her creepy shrine as a misdirection to throw us off her trail, and Leni... well, I actually don't think it's Leni."

Lincoln stared into the binoculars, scanning the perimeter.

Lynn bit her bottom lip.

"So I guess you're taking the first shift?" she asked.

"Sure, I'll wake you up when its time for the perp to show up."

Lynn took off her shoes and shorts, crawling into her sleeping bag.

She rolled over, facing away from Lincoln, but couldn't sleep.

Hours dragged on and on before she felt Lincoln's hand push the small of her back

"Lynn, wakeup, the smoker should be here any minute!" he whispered.

she had never slept.

She rolled over and sat up in her sleeping bag, rubbing her eyes.

Lynn sat up with her little brother and checked her watch.

12:26

She watched as he scanned excitedly, ready to catch the smoker red handed.

12:32

Lincoln was beginning to lose hope.

12:45

Lincoln set the binoculars down

"I don't get it, the criminal is always supposed to return to the scene of the crime." he sighed

"Lincoln..." Lynn whispered

"The smoker isn't coming."

He turned to her.

"What? How do you know that?"

"Because... It was me."

Lincoln's jaw fell open.

"Y-you? You were the smoker? But... how, where did you... and I mean, don't you know how bad—"

Lynn held a finger to his lips to shut him up.

"Can I at least explain myself?"

Lincoln stopped talking.

"Do you remember how we used to be?"

Lincoln nodded.

"Remember how we used to play all those dumb games you would make up?"

Lincoln smiled.

"Or that you would make up." he completed.

Lynn smiled too.

"Well, once I got into sports, I figured you would too, and then we could keep playing together, helping each other practice and stuff, but..."

Lincoln knew what was coming next.

His interests shifted to comic books and superheroes, not sports and competition.

"You got into comics and, well, I knew we'd start hanging out less and less until I felt like I only saw you at dinner."

Lincoln nodded, "But ,Lynn, where did you even get a cigarette?"

"One of the college kids at the park dropped it, so I figured if I gave you a mystery to solve like in your comics, I could help you solve it. I know you wouldn't like what I'm into, so I just thought that I could reach out to you instead. I mean, you and Lucy did the whole mystery solving thing so I... I just thought that..."

Lynn rubbed her eyes.

Lincoln could have sworn he'd seen the reflection of tears.

"I feel so stupid..."

Before she knew it, Lynn's chin was resting on Lincoln's shoulder, his arms wrapped around her in a hug.

She slowly returned it.

"Lynn, you aren't stupid. I mean, you came up with this whole scheme just to spend time with me!"

He pulled back from the hug, but kept his hands on her shoulders.

"Besides, it's kind of flattering that you'd frame one of our sisters for smoking just to hang out with me."

Lincoln looked her straight in her watery eyes.

"But I need you to promise me something."

"What?"

"That you will never, ever, smoke again. The next time you want to hang out with me, please just ask."

Lynn smiled.

"Okay. So, since the offer's on the table, mind if I crash in your room tonight?"

Lincoln suppressed a chuckle.

"I guess—"

"Heck yeah, lucha libre spectacularrrrrrr!"

Lynn grabbed her sleeping bag and Lincoln and dashed back into the house.

"About time." a figure from around the corner of the house said.

Lori had her phone in one hand as she dug into a potted plant, producing a small plastic container.

She opened it, producing a box of cigarettes.

Lori expertly tapped the box, singling out one smoke to slide forward.

She put it between her lips and struck her lighter

She almost lit it before looking up.

Lincoln's window was closed.

'Good' she thought, lighting it and taking a slow drag

She held her smoke in one hand and texted Bobby in the other.

"Lori Loud!"

She nearly jumped out of her skin, almost dropping her lit cigarette down her shirt.

"Mom!"

"Just what on earth do you think you're doing out here?!"

All seemed lost, until Lori noticed a unlit cigarette in her mothers hand.

"The same thing you are. Didn't you promise Dad you gave up smoking when you were pregnant with Lili?"

She had some leverage.

"Well... yes, but you know damn well you aren't supposed to be smoking young lady!"

Lori flicked the ash from her smoke angrily

"Are you kidding me? I keep an eye on that circus while you and Dad are off doing God-knows-what, are you telling me I don't deserve a break because I don't turn 18 for another four months?"

Mrs. Loud sighed.

"No, I suppose you do a lot for us. Why don't we keep this between us? It can be our little secret."

Lori smiled, taking a quick drag.

"I think I can manage."

Lynn and Lincoln were all ready for bed when Leni darted out of her room with a bandage around both thumbs

"Guys, I lit your candle! It DOES smell like lavender breeze!"

Lynn and Lincoln smiled at each other.

"Thanks Leni, but why don't you keep it in your room for now?" Lynn suggested

"Wow, really? Thanks guys!"

Leni happily carried her candle back to her room and put it on her dresser.

She opened her sock drawer, rummaging around for something.

"Oh come on, really? Lori took my smokes again?!"


End file.
